I just made out with a guy for $7.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Randomize
