So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
