Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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