He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
