My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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