The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
