how can u be prego again
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
