once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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