I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
