god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
