I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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