Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
