if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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