margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
