The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
