When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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