I want to have your abortion
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
