alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
