i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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