if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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