I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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