You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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