So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
