I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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