I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize