Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
