Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
