Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
