My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
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His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
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Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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