Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Let's paint friendship bongs
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
