I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
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I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
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I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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