Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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