I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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