Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
