I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
