So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
