Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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