Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
