I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
