when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
