Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Randomize
