I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
