i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
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