Are we in a gay sports bar?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
