my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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