if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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