So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
