there's paper in my vomit.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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