My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
