his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
MIDGETS
????
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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