my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
