when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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