Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
