Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
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i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
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Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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