The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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